I think of my baby sister often. However there are two times a year that her memory hits the hardest. February and the last week of November which is her birthday. When I think of her, I always think of the verse, I Cor 13:4-8, 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy… it is not proud. 5…it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
I lost my baby sister several years ago. This verse was exactly our relationship. I miss her. Really bad. Especially this time of year. I remember one of the last arguments we had. I remember talking to her in the driveway at my parents house and she didnโt like what I had to say. She was a Feisty little thing, and she said a few words, stormed off and squealed her tires out of the driveway. She called not 24 hours later & apologized. That was our relationship. That passage. We were two โveryโ different people. A blonde, A brunette. One who loved one type of music, one who loved another. We always would get opposite colors in clothing. Yet, we were the closest two girls could get. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate talking on the phone, but I could pick up the phone and talk to her about anything and she would be my vault. We โlovedโ each other. Unconditionally. Because that is what love is. I have missed her SO much lately.
We lost her to addiction. She was so beautiful, so full of life, she had SO many dreams. Addiction does not discriminate. It does not care your social status, history, or where you come from. It doesnโt just effect the abuser, it effects everyone around them. Addiction is a liar and will tell you anything to keep you around. It is made by the enemy to come in to kill, steal, and destroy.
I wanted to share my testimony, and how God helped me get through a very difficult time. He not only opened my eyes, but was able to help me see through hers. He is a pretty awesome God that way. Mercifulโฆ Loving.
๐๐ฒ ๐๐๐ฌ๐ญ๐ข๐ฆ๐จ๐ง๐ฒ:
Some think that being a Christian makes you invincible and unable to โfeelโ. This however, is not true. I know first hand how it feels to be a Christian and โquestionโ God. Just because you question, does not mean you do not believe and do not have faith. Sometimes God puts these trials in your life to make you stronger and teach you lessons first hand. We may never understand them, but God is God. He knows what we need before we do. After all, he created us.
My sister struggled with drug addiction for many years. She tried so many times to find God and turn her life around. Sadly, she lost that struggle on Feb. 28, 2007 to a drug overdose.. I got the call at 9:10 a.m. I still today can feel that horrible feeling. It’s not one that you can easily get over. She was my baby sister. The girl I shared a room with for 16 years. The girl I used to stay up with at night and paint our nails, giggle, and make our Dad yell in our room, โGirls! Go to bed!โ She was my Maid of Honor at my wedding. She was the one that would call me late at night because she made a mistake and needed me to pray for her. She was the one I tried so hard to help in her last hours. She was part of me. When I lost her, I felt like I lost that part.
For the first few days after getting the news, I was numb. I had to be strong for my parents. I needed to be the one that they could count on. I had to hold my Mom’s hand at the funeral home. Help her pick out pictures for the display. Get the clothes together that my sister was to wear. Find the perfect nail color that she, my older sister and I would wear on our toes in the summer. Why? Because we were sisters. That’s what you do. Things a mother should never have to do. I had to let my Dad cry on my shoulder. My Dad. A man who I saw as Superman. โNothingโ could ever hurt him. A man who is tough and rough around the edges. A man I may have only seen cry once, and it was tears without a sound. He was sobbing uncontrollably. He became broken. He became a Father, mourning the loss of his baby girl. I didn’t have time to feel. I would go all day, and come home just in time to get ready all do it all over again for the next few days.
For the days that followed, I would cry privately. I became angry. (Yes, Christians can become angry.) I was overwhelmed with grief. Feelings I couldn’t understand. Why? Why would God let her die like this? Why did he take her at such a young age? Why would he leave a young boy without his mother to raise him? WHY?? I still loved God. I never lost my faith or turned against him. I still called out to him for his guidance. I just didn’t understand, Why?
One night after wearing a smile all day and taking care of my kids and husband as a wife should. I crawled into bed like I always do. I looked over at my husband and without words he reached over and held me tight. I began to cry uncontrollably. He was my rock through all of this. โHeโ was the one that never left โmyโ side. He saw in me what nobody else could. He knew what I was feeling. He began to pray for me. That night I prayed as I went to sleep. Again, I asked all those questions. You are my God. The one I turn to for comfort and understanding. Why can’t I understand this?
As I slept that night, I had a dream. It wasn’t like any ordinary dream. It felt real. It felt like it was really happening. I was really there. I saw my sister at the end of a long, long road. I needed to get to her. I knew she needed โmyโ help. I got in my car and started to drive. I’d push the gas pedal down as hard as I could and it wouldn’t go. It would just creep. It crept so slowly. Then I started getting sick. It was a terrible nausea that I never had experience. It was such an overwhelming sickness, I had no control over. It forced me to stop. I had to pull over. Once I got a little strength back, I’d get in my car and start to drive again. Just as before, it wouldn’t go. As hard as I pushed the gas pedal, it would just creep. I was getting so frustrated. I’d get a few inches and start getting sick again. Then back in my car. Then stopping because of the illness. This pattern went on what seemed like forever. I finally got out of my car and screamed, โWHY??? WHY GOD CAN’T I GET TO HER!!! In that split moment, in a voice that was sympathetic, strong, stern, and merciful, I heard, โNow you know how she felt trying to get to me.โ
God is amazing. I felt his love and Mercy. I felt her need for Him. He lifted that pain and grief I was feeling. He gave me comfort knowing what a merciful God he is. We went to clean out her apartment and found tons & tons of shampoos, conditioner, bath and body products, razors. All the things we would get her to help her out in her darkest times when she couldn’t get them herself. Her eyes would light up and be so appreciative of these small things.
What’s amazing is next to all of these things were journal after prayer journal showing how hard she was seeking God. Asking for his guidance and his help. Begging him to release her from this bondage. I feel I finally got my answer. He saw her searching and heard her pleas for help. In her autopsy reports it showed coffee grinds in her system. We were told that this is a way for a drug addict to try and revive themselves when they know they have overdosed. She was trying to revive herself. She was crying for help. We have such a merciful God and I believe he had mercy on her.
I share her story because if it reaches one person, I know Iโve done right by her. That was her spirit. Full of love. Always there to help.
If you are effected by addiction. You are loved more than you will ever know. I can guarantee you, you already have people pleading for you. Donโt be afraid to ask for help. Run to them or someone you trust. You deserve every jewel in your crown. Donโt let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. You matter!!๐ SAMHSAโs National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) #sisters #addiction #help #love